yeah, school's...fun...i guess....not really. i mean, sure, we have our occasional laughing fits, inside jokes, bonding moments, all that. but it's really not that much to look forward to, is it? i feel like i'm just going through each day, not really gaining anything. literally just going through the motions. i don't even think about anything anymore. my dad wakes me up at 5:45 every morning, and i don't even complain - i just get ready for school and sprint to catch the train. i go through each transfer automatically, settling into the day that is always the same as the one before. even at school, i'm kind of just sitting in all my classes just absorbing (or not absorbing) information, and i really couldn't care less about any of it. it's just so tedious. then badminton's just a pain, but i go anyway because i feel bad. and even when i don't have badminton, i come home and go to the gym downstairs because i feel like i should. then every evening is the same, too - i practice, eat, maybe study a little, and go to sleep. i feel so very far away from everyone back home, and i miss them so much. it sucks because when i'm feeling particularly lonely, it really hits me that i'm so alone. none of my close friends are here with me and...is facebook really the only thing connecting me with them? what the hell.
so when i actually think about it and write about it, i feel really depressed. but the weird thing is, the days seem to go by pretty fast. i mean, yeah, it's boring, but i guess it's a mixture of complete, utter indifference and a serious lack of interest in anything that gets me through. sounds weird, doesn't it. but because there's nothing to look forward to and nothing to dread, each day just sort of slips by.
wow, i really don't know what i'm trying to say. because i mean, don't get me wrong. i do have fun, i do like my friends, i do enjoy life. but i also feel like there's nothing to DO. and strangely, i feel like i'm not actually...living. it hasn't hit me that i'm living here. i come home every day and see the door to our apartment, and i'm like "oh hey here's the room we're staying in" as if it's a hotel or something. i've been here for three months now, which is the longest i've ever spent in japan (other than when i was born). but it still feels like i'm on vacation.
AHHH. i'm so confused and i don't know what i'm thinking and this was just all a very very convoluted post but i'm just gonna leave it because well. maybe if i read it tomorrow i'll know what i was trying to say.
1 comment:
hardy har har the word verication for my comment is "foxach." heeheehee that sounds like a sore fox. 8D
anywho.
i'm sorry i missed chat time. it was my pa's birthday, so we went to Ctown for dinner and then when we got home we had cake and i forgot to sign on. =(
so. about your post.
fret not! i remember feeling exactly the same way last winter, like i was living the exact same week over and over again. i'm not quite at that point this year, but it may be coming soon; i guess i just haven't noticed yet 'cause of all the stress/sleep deprivation hahaha. well just know we're all not too far from you, 'kay? i'm a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE person since i haven't mailed you yet. i deserve to be smote with something spiky. but regardless, Lisa's still sending you video posts and stuff, right? so at least you get to hear some familiar voices. =) (will you send me a vidpost sometime?) and you said there's nothing to look forward to, but ho hum you are returning to NY in December!! i'll lift your spirits as much as i can. please try your best to stay spirited, okay? chin up; the Izumi i know and love doesn't let life get to her that easily, i think. ;)
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